Crazy day

This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Today. That was hard. It's now hard every day.

OM

Opened the Bhagavad Gita and read one verse. Verse 53. That is where Arjuna is surrendering to the Lord finally. Have I surrendered? I don't know. But this seems to be the path.

When I came into the shelter last night, it was 5:00 p.m. I fell asleep. The place, whether it is tamasic or not, or whether it is just me, I don't know. I slept then. someone woke me to go and sign in at 7:00 p.m.

There is the feeling that I am alone in the world, that no one is helping me, that everything is lost. Then there is the feeling that I am held in the arms of Mother and that everything is indeed in Her hand. Both feelings are there and it goes back and forth.

I had spent a good deal of time yesterday on a project. That was to write 2 letters, one to the young man who brought me here to Austin and one to his father. I was writing these letters almost all of yesterday afternoon. These were apologies. I was apologizing. I was saying, "Gee, I am so sorry for what happened, for how I behaved, etc." This did not feel right. I just don't know why the things happened the way they did. I felt, this is not right, to apologize. But I felt I had to. There wre the two feelings.

These last months I have been preaching on this website that things happen for reasons, that bad things also happen for reasons. And I have been saying this and thinking, "watch out, something 'bad' may happen to you. Then what will you say?"

So, today, I am a homeless on the streets of Austin, and I am sleeping in this huge room with 39 other women. I slept last night, as I said, then around 10:30 p.m. I was awake. But where to go? First I have to say, there is one light in the room. There is a light on the whole night. So, they changed my bed and now it is that the one light that is on is directly over my body when I sleep. So, I slept from 5 to 10:30. That should have been enough. Then I was awake, but I thought, where should I go and what should I do? There is security. Actually, it is with the homeless in Austin as if you are a criminal. You are part of a herd. You are herded into these buildings. You sleep there. You shower there. The women there argue and fight, talk and gossip with each other. I feel love for them, but I don't feel to fight and gossip, too. I just try to listen and pray with them sometimes. Still, I am very arrogant.

so many things have happened. It will be difficult for me to record all this. I have to try to focus.

The question is now, what is happening? I have sunk very low. In the Gita it says that if you maintain the level of tamas, you will descend. I have descended. Last night, after being awake at 10:30 I decided to sleep again. I had taken off my clothing, having fallen asleep in my street clothes. Then I slept again and I was awake around 4:00 a.m. Then I got up finally at 5:00 a.m. So, I was in that bed for 12 hours. That is definitively too much sleep. That will never lead to yoga.

But I felt when I was waking up, the letters I wrote yesterday, I just could not send them. I felt hopeful, because finally a feeling was starting to kick in. The feeling that these letters came from the mental being and that I did not want to send them. I did not want to say anything from the mind. I only had to get the message to that man that the HIV test I had done was negative. I only wanted to relieve his fear, to make him stop worrying. That was all. So, I tore up the letters I wrote yesterday. I could see how they just came from the mind and they were not at all loving and useful. They were just mental. Thank God I felt this. So much of the time I am following what the mind wants.

What happened recently? There is a scripture that says, there are three gateways to hell: lust, anger and greed. And recently I followed one of these, lust. Hell is the mental, it is the mind. That is where I am again stuck.

What happened then this morning? I got up and showered at 5:00. I went out on the street at around 6:00 and saw that the sky was still dark, just twilight and a feeling overtook me to just run, run, run away from Austin. I felt terrible. I felt also last night, I cannot stay in this building any more. This building just chains me. There is the food here. There is breakfast, lunch and dinner in that building and the food is really not that good. I don't want to complain at all because it is food. I just feel chained to that location and the energy there is so difficult to tolerate. I feel it is so heavy.

The twilight was there and I wanted to run. I went back and took all my things out of the locker. I put them in a pillow case. I felt bad about taking the pillow case. I rationalized something to steal that pillow case. I don't know. I just had to go out. I went then and was ready to hitchhike out.

In the night I felt, go to Ashton, to that boy-man. Go there, that is what the heart wants. Then on the street I thought, why am I feeling to go there? It is because I am seeing someone is taking care of me. I always run to that. I always run to be cared for, for someone to look after me. I always run to be dependent on someone. After that it was a very difficult time to decide what to do with the day.

I feel hopeless, everything closed in on me. I then just was starting to walk to and fro, here and there. I thought, go to that place and tell them you are going crazy. I walked then down Waller Street to the Health Department. There I used the bathroom, sent off the letter, which now contained only one small note saying the test had been negative, after putting my email address on the outside. I wanted to make a phone call. I did call Brian before going down there. I told him not to send my cards, because my system was so unstable I was liable to run at any moment, to run away.

Then I sat at the bus stop and just go on the bus. I did not have any idea where the bus was headed. There was a lady there. She got on with me. Then we rode for half an hour, until I saw that the bus was going somewhere near to where that place is where I have to get my subscription filled, to the Walgreens Drugstore.

I then asked the bus driver and he told me where to get the bus up there. I got out the same stop as the lady. We spoke briefly and I got on the next bus. I went to the Walgreen's and got the medicine for the rash I have.

what I was thinking is to go and be a part of a medical study to get some money and then purchase a car and go around, or just get a ticket to India with it. But first I have to get rid of this rash first.

The medicine was ready, and it is just two things. One is a cream you leave on for 14 hours. That gets rid of the rash. the other was a thing which is supposed to cut the itching. I did not want that and was about to leave it there, then I saw that it is prescribed often to decrease anxiety. then I decided to take it with me.

I got on the downtown bus and got off at 30th street. There is someone there I met recently. He has a little store with vintage clothing. I thought, maybe he will agree to let me use his address and tel. nr. so that I can participate in this medical study. They won't let you do it as a homeless staying at the SA.

He was not there. The hours said 11-7. So, I went down 29th street to the park. I sat under the bridge. There I was feeling like, "ok, I'm homeless. I am outside. What of it?" There is this feeling of stigma, this feeling that it is terrible not to have a place to go. But then I felt, so many people are here, they have no place to go and they are ok with it by now. They don't feel bad because they don't live in a house.

There is food everywhere in this city and there are ways to do things, I have to simply find out how. For a few minutes I felt normal again. There are two men, winos, down by the Texaco. I spoke to them earlier today. The one man is a real philosopher. He told me, "you get a do-over. Just say 'ok, now I will start over and it will be a good day'". I was sceptical. But now I feel ok. What happened?

I was under that bridge and watching the joggers go past. I knew I could not stay there, that this place would not be good, because it is in full view of passers by. Then I went to the other side and found there is someone living there, of course. I went out to the road again and walked across, entering the park again. Then I went back to the spot where we had slept the first night in Austin. I changed into some decent clothing. Then I hid my bag as best I could behind a rock, under some branches. Then walked back to the vintage store, but the man was not there yet. He keeps odd hours, they said.

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I went to get back on the bus. Actually, today I had not eaten. I did not feel I could eat the food at the SA. I just went back to get my things and then I saw it was time to eat. I went up there, but there was this security guard looking at me. She had this look on her face, forbidding somehow. I then took my bag, my pillow case of junk and left. Here I am, a few days ago I had only the clothes on my back. Now I have this huge pillow case of "krempel". I walked out and down to the Texaco, spoke to the "Flintstones", as the two winos are called. Then I called Brian. He said I should try to seek guidance, then speak to someone I trust, then another person if necessary.

So, I had not eaten. I didn't much care about it. But body is getting weak, needs food. Then I was getting on the bus. I spoke to a man at the bus stop. Now I don't like to really speak to people. A few days ago I was speaking to all people, every person. And this was leading to a lot of problems. Ashton was disturbed about it. He cried actually. He said it was not him, he was not important to me. I just spoke to everyone. I was like a whore in a way. He never said that, but that is what I felt. A loose woman, with words, mental contact.

So, I got on the bus, headed downtown. The man told me when to get off to go to the library. I saw that the plastic bag I had been carrying around had developed a huge hole in the bottom and my stuff was getting ready to fall out. I felt, ok. I am thinking the whole time, I want a bag to carry my things. But I have done such nuisance. I don't know if prakriti will give to me a bag. I went to the library. I made a reservation for an express terminal and went to the bathroom. I came out again, but the reservation didn't take. Nevertheless, I sat down and logged on to a terminal. I started to adjust my couchsurfing profile.

What mode I am in is called "error, sleep, sloth". This is the lowest, this is tamas, when it get really thick. This is when you cannot hear the inner voice. This is hell. This is when you don't know up or down, in or out, you just drift. and you are in constant fear, you are feeling, I am doing everything wrong. And you are.

so, I got up from that terminal and left the library. I went out on the street. It was around 11:45 a.m. I looked in front of me and on the sidewalk was a fresh donut. I picked it up. It was clean. I carried it with me. I felt, "Oh, people will see me." but I did not care. It was a clean piece of food. Ok, it had been on the sidewalk, but it was not dirty. Perhaps someone had dropped it there seconds earlier. I felt, "Ok, Mother wants me to eat." So, I walked across the street, into a park.

I tore a little piece of the donut off in my hand. I could not eat yet. I was mentally offering it, I guess. Then I saw a man who headed down the hill, dropped his bag off at the base of a tree and trucked out over the meadow to the opposite side of the park. He was headed for what looked like a lunch truck.

I watched for a while. then I got up and followed him. I saw that he was a homeless, perhaps. Others standing near the truck seemed also street people. Then, I got closer. There was a woman there. I don't really look very homeless. Not yet, because my clothes are still new and clean, perhaps. The woman offered me water to drink. I agreed. Then I asked here what this truck was.

She told me it is part of a program called "meat, loave and fishes". It had started somewhere and now has spread to many cities in the US. I was thinking, I have eaten this donut, but I would like to eat more food. Then I thought, I won't eat unless someone offers. Finally the woman offered. I stood there. I did not get in line. I felt shy. I feel actually that I have violated so much that Mother is punishing me, that I must suffer. But finally, the young woman asked me if I, too, wanted to eat. I said yes. She offered me sandwich, meat or peanut butter. Then she offered an apple, chips and apple juice. I took the sandwich and the apple. I thought, no need of the salty chips, no need of the apple juice. Water does just as well. I don't feel this thing that I want to taste anything. I just feel hungry.

I spoke to the woman. She showed me that there are clothes on the other side of the truck. I saw the clothes. She offered me them. I did not take, because I have enough clothing. The clothes I have are in the woods. I should have perhaps taken something, it will be cold later. But I never think to take what is offered to me. This happens quite often. I don't take when I should and other times I grab stuff when I should not.

Then, I was talking to her, but I realized I have the wrong vibration. I am feeling sorry for myself still. I went to the park. I sat under a tree. I ate my sandwich and started on the apple. Then there was a woman. She came and I saw that she was going to offer me more food. She did so. I said, I have already eaten one sandwich. Then she said, "ok, do you want another?" I said, "Ok" and I took another PB&J sandwich and ate it.

I felt, "OK, Mother wants me to eat."

This whole time I am struggling with this question of what is the meaning of verse 360 in the Gita. Because when I first came last year that incident occurred where the little girl came and kissed me on the cheek. I was to study Gita only, igoring everything else. But I feel always afraid, like I won't have what I need. Then I am looking for a job. But here in Austin, it seems almost, I will get what I need. I just have to study Gita. I am still so confused. Do I look for work? Do I study Gita every day? What? This has been bothering me all this time. But here today, I have enough food and I never had to go back to that terrible SA place.


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There is a feeling that I don't have enough. I am recognizing this as that feeling of poverty and lack. It is there and sometimes it is not.

Even though I have such a feeling about myself, that I have done wrong, that I am a bad person, that I have made many mistakes, that I am tamasic, that this is the end, that all is lost -- from time to time I get the feeling that God is still watching over me, that things are ok. I don't know which way to turn, what to do. I wander about. I remember, Lord went through this, too, but he was not like I am. He was interested only in Gita. I am still interested in other things.

It feels almost like what is in Chapter 6, that I am being forced into this direction, that there is no choice for me.

Today I read verse 53 and I remembered something about this. What is this experience?
"We do not know which would be better for us." this is the state where I am. I don't know whether to lay down and die or to fight. I am in a state of indecisiveness, weakness, cowardice. I don't know whether to completely kill all my relatives or not.

What does this mean? It means I am at a point of completely annihilating my old life, my past, and with it the future that I was expecting or wanting to come. This is the most painful place and I have been here literally for years.

I feel this, "I am overcome by pity and misplaced compassion." That feeling is there. These people, I love them. But they are not helping me. These homeless people. These are the ones who have given up, who have called it quits. These are the ones who have decided to be rather struck down than fight the battle of karma. I am also at this point. I have almost decided to be struck down. This seems to be where I am. I don't know how to find a job, I don't know how to find work. I don't know what to do. I seem to reject all the signals presented to me.

It is most precarious. Why did I return to the library? Because it started to rain. So, I came back. I initially wanted to record this, but then I went out. Then it started dropping water on me from sky, so here I am.

"... killing whom we will not want to live..." This is the phrase. I am trying not to kill that old life, trying to hold these options always open. This is the thing. That is why I went to that SA building. That is the old life. That is the old thing. That is, I am not sure, it feels dead when I am there.

I was crazy last night, I felt this morning, just go, get out, don't go back. I have not gone there yet today. I feel better away from there and I don't know if I will return this night. I don't know. It seems extreme. It seems crazy. I have no perspective. That is what I feel.

I am not finding it possible also to get rid of this grief. I find this also.